Tabloids are Evil
by LeDiz
Summary: It all started with a tabloid. Now Yami is on a quest to figure out WHY he would be uke to Seto or even with Seto at all all despite Yuugi's laughter in the background.


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Okay… this one came about, like so many of my stories lately, because I spend too much time talking to Jkateel. At one point, I demanded to know how Yami/Seto could work, and we tried to work it out. We didn't, but this was the eventual result.

****

DISCLAIMER: I'll say it to the ends of the earth, I should not do humour…

* * *

* * *

There were two things that he did with Yuugi that Yami did not enjoy. Being a passenger when Yuugi was driving in the rain and late was one of them. Tending the store was the other.

It wasn't Yuugi's fault; it was just that the job was so very tedious. And he was usually the one left behind the counter, supposed to entice in the foot traffic with his smirk. Yuugi had not been impressed by Sugoroku's reasoning, but if it meant he didn't have to mind the cash register, he felt he could deal with it.

Which left Yami bored as hell, fantasising about the movement of his aibou's jeans as Yuugi packed boxes in the storeroom behind. He was just picturing Yuugi getting too hot to work with his shirt on when the door to the house burst open, the loud bang jerking Yami right out of his dream. He glared as Yuugi's mother bounded over to the table, well prepared to meet a snarl about how he had better get out of this house before she had him arrested, only to find himself staring at a rather wide grin.

He blinked, pulling back a little. "Miya… ko?"

She smiled at him charmingly. "I'm so happy you've finally found someone!"

He pulled back even further, slight fear curling around his heart. When she had first found out about his relationship with Yuugi, she'd taken up a shovel. Yuugi and Yami had barricaded themselves in their bedroom, but she had never really calmed down. To see her actually smiling and congratulating him was a little… disturbing.

"You should have told us earlier!" she continued, tilting her head in a remarkably Yuugi-like fashion. "I didn't even know things had changed!"

"Things… what?"

"Is Yuugi alright? You did break it to him easily, didn't you? So when are you moving out?"

He stared at her for a long moment, then turned on his stool, looking around at the storage room. "Aibou! Help!"

"Did you just say _help_?" called Yuugi, before he appeared in the doorway, his hair matted and skin sweating. Yami felt his fantasy coming back and quickly looked away again as Yuugi came up behind him. "Hey, Mum… what's up?"

She continued to smile disturbingly, but Yuugi either didn't notice or didn't care, because he continued gazing at her blankly. She held out a magazine in front of her. "I wish you two had told me earlier, it's so hard to hear things from the press like this."

"Told you what?" asked Yuugi, leaning around Yami to take the magazine.

"Told me that you two broke up!"

They both froze, looking at her seriously. "What?"

"I was so scared you were corrupting my little boy," she told Yami, laughing.

"He's not corrupting me!" cried Yuugi. "Mum, I know you don't like to hear this, but Yami and I are-"

"You haven't told him yet?" she shrieked, completely ignoring Yuugi to glare at Yami again. "How could you do this! I know you're scum, but if you think you can cheat on my Yuugi-!"

"Cheat?" they both repeated, looking around at each other. Yami blinked, his brow furrowing as he looked back at Yuugi's mother. "I could never do that."

"It's right there in that article!"

Yuugi blinked, then looked down at the magazine in his hand. He quickly opened it up, flicking through, until he found a page plastered with a picture of one of Yami's infamous poses, duel disk up and smirk well in place. On the opposite page was a Kaiba Corporation publicity photograph of Seto Kaiba.

"Duel Destiny…?" he read quietly, his eyes widening as he began reading. After a few lines, his gape grew into disbelief, then a small smile, before he started snickering.

"What is it?" asked Yami, confused. "Who am I supposed to be with? I would really rather know."

But that just made Yuugi laugh harder, and his stomach muscles gave out, causing him to slump over Yami's shoulder, cackling madly. Yami plucked the tabloid from the limp hand slung over his other shoulder and began reading.

He stared. Then gaped. Then eventually yelled out, "what the fuck!"

It was hard enough to believe that a story about him had wound up in a tabloid magazine. But to have it be proclaiming his undying love for Seto Kaiba was just that little bit beyond his comprehension.

Yuugi had recovered slightly by this point, and he heaved himself up to meet his mother's confused gaze. "Sorry to disappoint you, but it's not true."

"How the hell did they get this!" cried Yami, shooting up to standing and forcing Yuugi to stumble back several paces. "I don't even _like _Kaiba!"

"Yami. Don't try to pretend, the people that write those magazines are very good investigators," said Miyako, firmly. "I will not have you do this to my son. Admit the truth!"

Yuugi started snickering again, and Yami glared at her. "I do not like Kaiba! Your son is more than enough for me, thank you."

"Y- Yami!" Yuugi blushed, but his face was so red from laughing that it wasn't really visible.

"How the hell would they even think this? How would they imagine that I would ever want to sleep with him! Let alone… I would not be a fucking uke!"

"Rather him than Yuugi," muttered his mother, but Yami ignored her.

"Come on, aibou, I'm going to find out how the hell they could even think this…"

Yuugi just grinned, waving goodbye to his mother as he followed Yami's stalk out the door.

* * *

"I mean, really, where would they get that idea?" demanded Yami. He had been intending to just march over to Kaiba Corp. and demand Kaiba explain, but they had run into Mai only a few blocks down the street, and she had been clutching a copy of the tabloid.

She looked at him for a few moments, then glanced over at Yuugi, gauging his opinion on the situation. He was grinning: he wouldn't get offended and that would mean he'd be able to stop Yami from killing her.

"Yami, hon'," she began calmly, putting a hand on her hip, "with all that 'I'm going to kill you' tension, there just has to be some kind of release."

That started Yuugi snickering again, but Yami's left eyebrow began ticking. "Exactly what release are you implying?"

"Well… if he can't beat you on the Battlefield…"

"I would never let him beat me! At all!"

She smirked, then looked down at Yuugi. "Hey, hon', if I'm ever bored, and you're bored, and he's screwing Kaiba…?"

"Sure, Mai-san," he chuckled, only to eep slightly when Yami grabbed his shoulder and forcefully dragged him away. "Thanks for your help, Mai-san!"

She grinned, waving playfully.

* * *

"You are never sleeping with a woman, understand me?" snapped Yami, and Yuugi smiled vaguely, looking up and down the street as they walked onward.

"Hey, except for you, I'm straight. If you get Kaiba-kun, I want a girl."

"Thin ice, aibou."

"Ooh, hey, if we find out you really are with Kaiba-kun, can I have that one?" he asked, pointing to a rather pretty girl with long, multi-coloured hair. She was wearing one of those sequined jackets, with 'Maeri' embroidered into one side. "I can tell she has a beautiful soul."

"That's not her soul you're looking at," he said coldly, yanking Yuugi further down the street. But no sooner had Yuugi regained his footing than the girl suddenly squealed and ran across the street. Yuugi blushed as she waved, and quickly looked around, expecting to see someone else behind them, but the street was empty.

He blinked, surprised at that, before turning back around, blushing further as he found himself looking at a rather… beautiful soul.

"Hi, I'm Su, are you Yami Motou?" she asked breathily, and Yuugi found himself giggling at the way she bounced when she talked.

Yami scowled, stepping a little further in front of him. "Yes. Who are you?"

"Su! Anyway, I was like, reading this thing about you? And is it true you're with Seto Kaiba?" she asked brightly, her head tilting to the side. "Because, I like heard about you and that Anzu Mazaki girl? And I was thinking, no way he would go out with her, unless he was like desperate and sex starved, and then there was this thing about you being with a midget, which I knew was like, impossible with you being a sex god, and then I was like, I saw you on the news and like oh my gawd you looked so scary that day, and I was like all wow, and decided that if you really want to lower yourself to screwing brunette bitches and bastard CEOs then that's cool but I would much rather you fell in love with me, so what do you think?"

Yami stared at her for a long moment, then looked around at Yuugi. "Can I-?"

"No."

"But I didn't-"

"Unless you're going to take her up on her offer and invite me, no."

Yami shook his head, turning back to face her. "I am not screwing Seto Kaiba. I would not touch Anzu like that with a ten-foot pole. I would much rather rip your head from your shoulders than touch you at all."

"Yeah, I know, but we could have like this beautiful romance, and I can totally do yoga, and tie myself up like a pretzel, and in the end, I have like a full pack of viagra so even if you get tired, you can just keep coming back!"

He continued to stare at her, then slowly backed away, taking hold of Yuugi's shoulder again to make sure he backed up with him. "Thank you for the offer. No way in hell."

"Okay… but hey, congrats on the Seto Kaiba thing! You two look so cute together!" she called, and Yami twitched.

"Cute…?"

"Yeah, didn't you see the conceptual artist drawing? You're so adorable! Like a little lion!"

"I'm going to hurt someone, aibou," he said quietly, jerking around. "I am going to kill someone."

"Hm… you're more a cat than a lion."

He glared at him, but Yuugi just grinned, looking over his shoulder at Su, who was still waving goodbye.

* * *

Somewhere around the same time Su had told him about her viagra, Yami had stopped being furious and begun feeling much more confused. Now, the mission was more about figuring out why he, of all people, would have feelings for Seto Kaiba.

They were just wandering around, Yuugi leading Yami so he wouldn't go running into any poles while the pharaoh contemplated exactly what there was to like about Kaiba. He had never even been able to comprehend Yuugi's friendship with the man.

He could respect Kaiba… but respect had nothing to do with sex. It was confusing, and in all honesty, somewhat wrong.

"Here we are."

He looked up, then blinked several times, perplexed. He was staring at the nameplate of the Bakura residence. "What…?"

Yuugi just smiled and rang the bell. It only took a few moments before Ryou arrived at the door, looking rather tired. "Yuugi? Hi… Hello, Yami-kun."

"Hey, Ryou-kun. Do you get _The Star_? You know, the magazine?" asked Yuugi, as Ryou let them inside. "Have you read the latest issue?"

"No… I don't really like those sort of magazines… though it's funny you should mention it, I read a back issue when I was waiting to bail Bakura out last night," he said. "Do you two want drinks or anything?"

"Do you have any water?"

"Sure. Go on through to the lounge room… but don't mind Bakura. He's frustrated that he was arrested."

"He's getting sloppy," observed Yami, smirking. "Time was he could raid a pharaoh's tomb and not get caught."

"Not sloppy, just _sloshy_," corrected Ryou. "They were drunk and disorderly charges."

"Ah."

Yuugi smiled, taking Yami's hand to lead him through to the lounge room. The affectionate gesture almost made Yami calm enough that he would be able to handle Bakura, who they found appraising what looked suspiciously like a priceless sword that had been stolen from the museum last week, until he met the thief's gaze.

"Well, well," said Bakura playfully. "Your majesty."

"Hello, Bakura," he said warily. He didn't like it when Bakura looked so smug.

"I was watching the most interesting news programme today," he said lightly, setting down his sword. "What, isn't Yuugi enough for you? Have you moved on to bigger things?"

Yami raised an eyebrow. "What my aibou lacks in height he makes up for in length."

Yuugi choked, then blushed. "Yami…!"

"What the hell are you talking about, Bakura?"

"Entertainment news says you're having it off with Master Kaiba…" said Bakura, smirking as Yami's eyebrow ticked. "So do tell, does a pharaoh surrender to the will of his priests?"

"Fuck you."

"My, we are being generous, aren't we? Such stamina you must have…"

Yami scowled, but didn't rise to the bait, shaking his head. "I don't understand it. How could anyone think that I would ever do that to… to Kaiba, I mean…?"

He blinked, considering for a moment. "He's rich. Screw 'im, fuck 'im, charge 'im, dump 'im."

Yuugi blinked. "You know, when he puts it like that, I could even-"

"_Thinner _ice, aibou," snapped Yami.

Yuugi smiled, squeezing his hand to show he was just kidding, but Yami didn't have time to calm down before Ryou walked into the room, holding two glasses of water. "Did you want one too, Yami-kun?"

He shook his head, and Ryou smiled, handing one to Yuugi before sitting down beside Bakura with his own. "So what are we talking about?"

"The pharaoh wants to know why he would like Kaiba," explained Bakura. "He doesn't seem to like my sugar-daddy idea."

Ryou paused, staring. "What happened to Yuugi?"

"Oh, no, we're still together, it's the press that say he's with Kaiba-kun," said Yuugi.

He blinked. "But don't you and Kaiba-kun hate each other?"

"I don't understand it, Ryou, I'm looking for someone to explain it to me."

"Oh… uh… well, really… he's got good points. He's tall," he said, then smiled slightly. "Really tall, actually… tall guys are hot. No offence, Yami-kun, Yuugi, but that near on two-meters thing just… and he's really toned, too. He's thin but he does have muscles… do you think he works out? I like to be able to see muscles, but not have them bulk up like that. His arms are great that way. There is muscle, but it's not so noticeable that he would hurt if he ever squeezed you too hard…"

Bakura had stopped smiling, and he was now staring at Ryou, frowning.

"You'd just feel so warm in his arms, I can tell… so safe, you would always know he would always protect you. And those eyes, ugh, you could drown in those oceans…"

Yuugi and Yami exchanged glances, and Bakura absently picked up his sword again, running his finger down the blade.

"His fingers are really long too, but they're so graceful… I bet they're not callused, either, really soft, so if they ever trailed down your face it would be like feathers… have to trim his nails though, I don't like guys with long nails. But his hair makes up for it. Long enough to run your fingers through but still short. And his jaw is so strong, it's like a brick on its own-"

"Right, then, I've got places to go, rivals to slaughter," said Bakura casually, getting to his feet, sword swinging up over his shoulder. "Think I'll start with his fingers."

Yami stepped aside to let him pass, and Yuugi frowned when Ryou remained in his trance, now drinking his water to cool himself down.

"Uh, Ryou-kun?"

"You think about how tall he is, to stay in proportion, he'd have to be pretty long-"

"Ryou-kun?"

"-and all that repressed emotion has to come out somehow-"

"Ryou-kun!"

"Too bad I'm only half a soul, sex with Bakura totally ruined every other possibility for me… huh? What?"

"Your thief just went out to kill Kaiba," said Yami, and Ryou blinked.

"Why?"

Yuugi gazed at him, vaguely annoyed. "It's your fault people assume that being a light makes me pathetic, isn't it?"

"Oh no… I didn't mean it, Bakura!" he cried, jumping to his feet. "He's cute, but that's all! You're better! Uhm-" He paused in the doorway, his hand rising in a cross between a wave and an instruction to stay there. "Bye."

Yami stared, but Yuugi just smiled, waving lazily as Ryou disappeared.

* * *

"So what've we got so far? Kaiba-kun isn't me, there's a lot of tension between the two of you, you look cute when drawn with him, he's rich, and apparently attractive," listed Yuugi, blinking at the fingers he'd ticked off. "Wow. That's more reasons than you ever had to sleep with me. Guess that means I should give you my blessing."

Yami sighed. "Aibou, those are very superficial reasons. I have a better reason to sleep with you. You're my aibou, light, and belong to me."

He smiled, looking up at him. "But I'm not rich, attractive, and there isn't any tension between us."

"There used to be. Back when I was…" he coughed uncomfortably. "…determined to win any game. And you are attractive," he added, his voice lowering to seductive tones, arms sliding around Yuugi's waist to pull him back against his chest. "You're beautiful."

"And this is a public street," he hissed, blushing as he noticed a few stray glances from passers-by. "Do you really need any more publicity today?"

"Hm, you're right. Let's go home."

"Oh, hey, Anzu!"

Yami stiffened, his eyebrow ticking as Yuugi stepped away. Yuugi had never really gotten over his feelings for Anzu, a fact Yami was painfully conscious of whenever they got into the slightest argument and Yuugi left the house. Yuugi had been joking about the article all day, but if it was just a cover, then…

"Hi guys!" called Anzu, raising her arm as she trotted toward them. "We were just looking for you!"

"We?" repeated Yuugi, his smile widening as Jounouchi and Honda came out through the crowd, pushing each other the whole way.

"We went looking for you at your house, but your mother said you and Yami had gone out," she said, smiling at him. "Something about Kaiba-kun?"

Yuugi laughed. "Yeah. _The Star_ published an article saying Yami and Kaiba were sleeping together, and Yami can't figure out why they would ever think that."

Jounouchi and Honda had walked up in time to hear that, and they both flinched back in horror. "Kaiba!"

"Yeah, they even tried to figure out who would be on top, and they drew a picture," said Yuugi, fishing around in his pocket. He handed over the magazine, picture first, and Jounouchi fell back, horrified.

"That's just so-! Kaiba-! It-! No-! Urgh! Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong…"

Yuugi and Yami blinked as Jounouchi crouched down on the ground, shuddering. Honda stared at the article for a few moments, then looked up at Yami. "No, right?"

"Definitely."

"Hm… aren't you with Yuugi?"

Yami smirked, expecting Yuugi to answer, but the reply never came. He frowned, looking around, only to scowl when he caught sight of his aibou, who was standing in front of Anzu, holding her forearms.

They looked around to make sure Jounouchi was still having his mental breakdown ("I mean… Kaiba's a robot. He doesn't do that."), before wandering over to see what was happening with Anzu. She had her head down, and her shoulders were shuddering slightly.

Yuugi was murmuring supportively, "it's okay, Anzu, it's not true, but… you've still got a chance!"

Anzu made a small noise in the back of her throat, and Yami stepped close to Yuugi, putting his hand on his shoulder. "Ai-"

"It's not fair!" wailed Anzu suddenly, throwing her head back to let out a stream of tears. "He's not supposed to be gay!"

The three boys had all flinched back in fear, but Yami and Honda quickly recovered to exchange mystified stares. Yuugi was still leaning back against Yami, gripping his pharaoh's hips in fear as Anzu started babbling.

"It's not fair, I met him first, he's supposed to be mine! _I_ fantasised about him,_ I_ had the sex dreams, _I_ had the dream of building a house in the country and having two point four kids and a dog! _I was gonna give up my dancer's body for him_, he's supposed to belong to me!" she sobbed, eventually falling to her knees and then further, calves sprawled out on either side of her thighs, head tilted back, arms lax at her sides and tears going everywhere. "Just because I didn't solve a stupid puzzle or be the other half of his soul or be a reincarnation of his high priest! It's not fair…!"

Hesitantly, Yuugi pushed back off Yami, his hands rising as if to comfort Anzu. "Uhm… well… I mean… maybe you are! I mean… we don't know who else his priests were."

"I went to the exhibit with him! I helped him find his past! I was all supportive! He _dueled_ for me!"

"Well… sorry, but… that doesn't really mean much… I mean… he's dueled for me about six times now…"

"Nine, actually. And that's without counting the dueling I did just on his behalf," interjected Yami, earning another wave of tears and a glare from Yuugi.

"Look, Anzu, he's not that great, really," said Yuugi, spreading his hands. "All those duels, most of those were only because of him anyway. In Battle City, my life was on so many lines because of him."

"_I'm _supposed to be the sacrifice! I was going to become a _housewife_ for him!"

"You could take a page from her book, aibou. Give up this study business and just let me take care of you."

Yuugi twitched, but he otherwise ignored that. "He's really annoying. He… he eats popsicles like you wouldn't believe."

"It's supposed to give Yuugi ideas, but it doesn't work," muttered Yami, at Honda's questioning look.

"He's a neat freak! Everything has to be tidy!"

"You ever tried to stay in the mood after you've fallen over a deck of cards?"

"He is completely insatiable. The man's got the stamina of a frikking horse and twice the libido!"

Yami just smirked proudly at that, but Anzu's wailing only increased. "I had _dreams_ he was like that…!"

Yuugi groaned, falling to his own knees in defeat, before looking up at Yami. "I don't think we're going to get any explanations out of these guys."

"No. Maybe… Malik might have some ideas. He's a little insane, this might make sense to-"

"Darling!"

Yuugi had time to swear before he was barreled over, tackled straight to the ground by a flying ball of blonde hair. Yami's fists clenched, the last traces of his smile disappearing as he and Honda turned their heads to watch as Rebecca Hopkins nuzzled Yuugi's shoulder, lying over his body.

"H- hello, Rebecca," said Yuugi nervously. "How are you?"

"Darling, lover, future husband!"

"Future _what_!" exploded Yami, and Rebecca paused, looking back at him.

"Oh. You're still around?" she asked bluntly. "Go play with that Kaiba guy. Shoo, shoo!"

Honda grabbed Yami's shoulders to keep him from mauling her, and Yuugi pushed Rebecca off so he could stand up. She attached herself to Yuugi's arm, smiling smugly.

"How did you know about that, Rebecca?" asked Yuugi, blushing. "About Kaiba-kun?"

"Oh, it was all over the news! They're trying to figure out whether it'll ruin Kaiba Corporation's stocks this year."

"But it's just a tabloid…"

"Which is what the press release Kaiba will put out soon will have to point out," she said sensibly. "But I know it is true! It has to be!"

"Why?" grated Yami, between clenched teeth.

She looked at him again, her eyelids lowered in smug satisfaction. "I don't care why you would think that way, but I know that if you're with Kaiba, then my Darling is free from your abusive mind control! And that means he's mine to heal!"

"_Abusive mind con_-!"

"Yami," said Yuugi, meeting his gaze firmly. They looked at each other for a long moment, before Yami tsked, turning away. Yuugi turned back to Rebecca. "But it's not true. It's impossible."

"That's just what Yami's been telling you, Darling," she said warmly, snuggling closer. "He's lying to you. You belong all to me and I'm the only one you should ever love!"

Yuugi grimaced as she yanked his arm a little, and Honda walked over to pick Jounouchi back to his feet. "Let's go to the museum and see Malik. Like you said, maybe this will make sense to him."

Yami scowled at Rebecca one more time, then prodded Anzu with his boot. "I'm going to the museum. You coming?"

"Uh huh," she sobbed, struggling to her feet to follow along behind, waving off Yuugi's offered hand.

* * *

Malik shrugged. "It's the innuendo of a Millenium Rod," he said, folding his arms over the statue he was supposed to be cleaning. The stilted theory went that he couldn't break anything when polishing brass. "Long, stiff and you gotta admit, the guy fits the image."

"That's so wrong on so many levels," said Honda, trying to keep Jounouchi from curling into another ball. "And besides, we're not talking about why he'd be gay, we're talking about why would Yami be with him?"

"Oh… well, that's simple. It's the whole power thing. Yami was a king, now Kaiba rules Domino City. And besides, who doesn't want the pharaoh?"

"Uh, me?" suggested Honda.

"Me either… most of us want him dead… no offence."

"None taken," said Yami, rolling his eyes to keep a closer watch on Yuugi and Rebecca, who was doing a pretty good job cutting off the circulation to Yuugi's arm.

"But all in all, Yami's hot. If I didn't like Yuugi so much, I'd screw Yami in a second."

"You tried to kill him." Honda pointed out. "Several times."

"Yeah, but that was because I thought he'd killed my father… and that he was to blame for the whole tomb keepers thing," he explained. "And it was nothing against Yuugi, he just happened to be the vessel at the time."

They spent the next few seconds staring at him in disbelief, until a shadow fell over them, and Malik quickly began scrubbing the statue. Yami looked around at Ishizu, who curtsied. "My pharaoh."

"Ishizu-san," chirped Yuugi, and her smile widened as she noticed him. Like almost every female over the age twenty, Ishizu was fond of Yuugi. Malik often joked (when Ishizu was very far away and couldn't hit him with more work to do) that she was always three seconds away from bunching up her hands and squealing at the very sight of him.

"Hello, Yuugi. And… oh, who is… this?" she asked, blinking in slight confusion.

Yuugi swung his arm forward a little, so Rebecca could step forward. She grinned without letting go. "My name's Rebecca Hopkins! Now that Yami's with Seto Kaiba, I'm Yuugi's one and only love! Don't we look perfect?"

Ishizu glanced down at Yuugi's hand, which was slowly turning purple, and then over at Yami, who still looked as unimpressed with the contact as ever. She decided not to answer, turning back to Yami. "Seto Kaiba?"

"Yes," began Yami, but he was cut off by another round of Anzu's howling, and Jounouchi's face went slack in horror again. Yami waited a moment for them all to adjust to Anzu's noises, before looking up again. "It was published in a magazine that I'm sleeping… under… Seto Kaiba. I've been trying to figure out why anyone would think that were possible."

"Despite you hating his very existence beyond the dueling field?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, that's simple. It's pure Egyptian logic. In fact, I was a little concerned that you had never even been attracted to him," she said calmly, folding her hands in front of her. "There is a rather strong belief, supported by the fact that the High Priest Seto became pharaoh after your departure, that his father was in fact the younger brother of your father."

That stopped them. Even Anzu's tears trickled to a slow stream as she stared as Ishizu blankly. Malik coughed, polishing the statue harder, and Jounouchi held up a finger. "That would make Yami and Kaiba cousins, right? First cousins."

"Yes."

"And… that's proof they wouldn't like each other."

"No."

Yuugi's eyes widened, and Rebecca started giggling evilly. Yami took a half-step back. "What are you implying, Ishizu?"

"Ancient Egyptian culture, particularly Ancient Egyptian Royal culture, decreed that if there were no political alliances possible by romantic or sexual union, then distant family should be the starting point for such," she said bluntly. "As there were no distant relatives in this particular line of pharaonic history, the High Priest would have been the best choice."

Silence reigned for almost a minute, Yami staring at her blankly. He looked around at Yuugi, who was twitching slightly. "Yami… your people scare me."

"Of course, in many eras of Egypt, the High Priest would have been buried alive in the pharaoh's tomb, so perhaps culture was defied in your time?" offered Ishizu.

"Buried… alive?" repeated Honda.

"It's not as terrible as it sounds. Most priests would have avoided it, or had a cobra bite them before they suffocated."

Anzu got to her feet, and turned around, shuffling out of the museum. Honda and Jounouchi soon followed, and Yami nodded before joining them. Yuugi opened his mouth to say something, before he shook his head and left, dragging Rebecca along behind.

Malik smiled, looking at his sister in amusement. "I don't think they liked your theory, sister."

"It's all historical," she said simply, before turning back toward her office. "When you're done there, come into the office. Rishid made a rather delicious honey cake."

He nodded, waving blandly as she wandered off.

* * *

"You know about Kaiba Corp.'s publicity -- how on Earth did they ever get this idea?"

Mokuba didn't answer straight away, staring at the magazine Yuugi had proffered. "Well… um…" He looked up at Yami, then back down at the magazine. He tilted his head, then turned the conceptual drawing to the side, confused. He then turned it up the other way, as if it would make more sense upside down.

Eventually he looked at Yuugi, who was more preoccupied with the fact he couldn't move his fingers anymore, Rebecca's grip was so tight, than paying attention to what Mokuba would say.

"Well, I mean, who wouldn't like big brother?" asked Mokuba, though his voice was high as if he couldn't believe himself. He sighed. "You know, we've been working on this all day, and no one's figured out how to deal with it. It's stupid, and would never happen, but people keep coming up with all these reasons why it could happen."

"Such as?"

"Such as… big brother's obsession, to tell you the truth," he said, blinking. "You know, how he goes out of his way to challenge you to duels, and he always has to challenge you at least once a month, and how he watches every single one of your games over and over again to study your strategies, even though you change your strategies every tournament?"

"He does what?"

"But that's because he wants to be the King of Duelists," said Honda, mainly to keep Jounouchi from falling into his horrified trance again.

"Yeah, I know that, and you know that, but the press are… they're kinda like fangirls. They take any random thing they can and blow it out of proportion. We barely managed to squash something about big brother and Jounouchi a few months ago, based around the fact they argue with each other."

That was it, Jounouchi fell over, drawing little circles on the floor with his finger, lost to the world.

"And then there was the one about me and Yuugi, because I think he's really nice and occasionally go over to the game shop. And then, before that, there was the one about me and Rebecca, because I let you guys use the spare dueling ring all those years ago."

"That's just clutching at straws," said Yami, but Mokuba shrugged.

"You get used to them. Really, this one is just… no wonder big brother wouldn't let me look at this. This picture is weird."

"You don't have to tell us," said Yami. "Well… I still don't get it. Where's Kaiba?"

"Come on, I'll take you up there… is Anzu alright or should I get a cleaning crew out here?"

Yami glanced back at her, then waved it off. "Maybe a few mops."

* * *

Kaiba did not look impressed at the intrusion on his office. He had been working very well, looking up bad yaoi fanfiction (for the sake of research on this strange phenomenon, of course), when suddenly his door had burst open.

Normally, he didn't mind Mokuba coming into his office in random fits and bursts, but when he came with Yuugi (who had a strange yellow thing eating his arm), and Yami, the cause of all his problems for the day, he felt he had the right to be somewhat annoyed.

"What the hell do you want?"

Yami scowled, then marched over to the desk, slamming the tabloid that had ruined his day down on the desk. "Alright, Kaiba. This stupid thing has accused me of being your uke. Now, normally, I'd just be pissed off at you. But the more people I talk to, the more reasons I get to be your fucking uke. And I don't understand even one of them."

Kaiba didn't answer, glaring at him.

"First of all, you're not Yuugi. Well, that's just fan-fucking-tastic, because I wasn't under the impression that you were the other half of my soul, thank you. Second, there's a lot of tension between us. Now I see a real easy way to fix that. You leave me and my deck the fuck alone and there won't be any tension. Third, we look 'cute' drawn together. Why were we drawn together in the first place! Fourth, you're rich and I should just screw you for your money and don't start with me, aibou."

Yuugi grinned, winking at Kaiba, who barely caught his returning smile before glaring back at Yami.

"Fifth, you're attractive. Hell with that, I could be crawling out of a mud ditch with half a leg cut off and still look hotter than you."

"Modest, isn't he?" Rebecca commented to Mokuba, who smiled and nodded.

"He and big brother are kind of similar like that."

"Shut up!" snapped Yami, before thumping his fists into the table again. "Sixth, you have the political power I should have, and therefore I should be sleeping with you to get at that power. Who needs that power when I've got the power to send this whole damn world into the darkness and destroy it? Seventh, your deincarnation, my high priest, was perhaps related to me. Which would be incest. Maybe that worked way back when, but I'm not interested. Eighth, apparently you're obsessed with my gaming. You have tapes of me. Now I can see us getting rid of that problem really easily, can't you? Anything else you'd like to add?"

"You look really sexy when you're angry?" offered Yuugi.

"He's taller than you and you just need someone that can beat you?" suggested Mokuba.

"You forgot my point about Darling belonging to me when you're with him," pointed out Rebecca, before adding. "And you're kind of similar to each other."

Yami slowly turned around, and fixed her with the darkest look he could manage. Actual shadows began licking their way up his arms. Rebecca flinched, then quickly let go of Yuugi, who cried out in pain as blood suddenly returned to his arm.

"Get out," grated Yami, and Rebecca ran for it. He then turned back to Kaiba. "Now what do you have to say about all this?"

He didn't answer for a moment, meeting Yami's glare with his own, before his eyes quickly flickered to Yuugi, who was still smiling, as if this entire day had just been something to amuse him, though he was rubbing life back into his arm.

He let out a breath, lacing his fingers as he calmly looked at Yami. "I have only one thing to say to you, Yami Motou. Get the hell out of my office. Goodbye."

Yami was too frustrated to argue. Yuugi smiled and waved to Mokuba as he gently pushed Yami out the door.

* * *

Sugoroku was perplexed by the question. "Say again?"

"Why would I like Seto Kaiba?" repeated Yami. "He's arrogant, cruel, narcissistic, obsessive, used to be homicidal, and nearly destroyed my bond with Yuugi. Why would I want to sleep with him?"

Yuugi smiled at his grandfather's confused look, but didn't say anything, occupied with his ice cream. Sugoroku was left to fend for himself as Yami stared at him expectantly.

"However you feel, Yami, you should always trust yourself," he said haltingly, still completely nonplussed. "It's like Duel Monsters. All you can ever do is keep playing, and trust in the cards."

The two boys blinked at him, Yuugi having trouble hiding his smile, and Sugoroku nodded to himself.

"I'll see you two later, then," he said, opening the door to leave.

Yuugi waved his spoon at him, then smiled as Yami turned toward him, hands on his hips. "So? Satisfied now?"

"No. I don't… wait! That's it!" he cried, then spun around to sprint out of the room. Yuugi ate one last spoonful of ice cream, put the tub away, and then trotted up to his room in time to see Yami pull out his deck and begin shuffling.

"Uhm… the other me? What are you doing?" he asked, walking over to sit on the bed. "Is this some kind of Bakura-style fortune telling?"

"No, this is following your grandfather's advice," he said, and drew two cards. He smiled, holding them out for Yuugi to see. "I'm going to ask them what they think."

In Yuugi's defense, things were getting a little too ridiculous. But later, he didn't really blame Yami for frowning as he fell back on the bed, cackling. But it was just funny!

His laughter only increased at the flash of light, and the sight of the Black Magician Girl standing beside his bed, blinking in confusion.

"Where's the monster?" she wondered, then looked around, down at Yuugi. "Chosen Duelist!"

He grinned at her through his chuckles, and she stared, before turning back to Yami. "Master? Is something wrong?"

He opened his mouth, then paused, suddenly realising Yuugi had a point in calling this a bit strange. He sighed, then shook his head, summoning the Black Magician. Better to ask and look stupid once than have to repeat it. Mahaado seemed even more put out by his own summoning, and he held his staff at the ready, concerned.

Yuugi had a feeling his stomach muscles were never going to recover.

"This isn't a matter of life and death, this is a duel of pride," Yami explained to the two monsters. "You know of Seto Kaiba."

They both nodded, immediately worried that he was trying to disrupt the darkness again. Mana looked over her shoulder, confused over Yuugi's continuing laughter.

"Why," began Yami, holding out his arms, "in all the cosmos, would I ever submit to Seto Kaiba?"

There was a pause, and the two monsters blinked, in unison. They exchanged glances, Mana having to bite back a smile, and Mahaado looked at Yami oddly. "Submit, Pharaoh?"

"Being the uke in sex," supplied Yuugi, through his chuckles. Mana broke out giggling, her hands clapping over her mouth. Her limited control didn't last for long though, before she sat down on the bed beside Yuugi, and they fell over each other with a new wave of laughter.

Mahaado coughed. "This is why you called us?"

"If people think I'm submitting to that conceited bastard, my pride may as well be destroyed!" cried Yami.

Mahaado nodded, but still looked confused. He looked over at Yuugi, then back at Yami. "You have made no secret of your feel- your relationship with the Chosen Duelist?"

"Of course not."

He looked at Yuugi again, then at Yami, then back at Yuugi. He didn't seem to understand the idea either. "But you are pharaoh. Pharaohs do not submit."

"And yet they insist I am, for him!"

Yuugi and Mana were almost in tears with their laughter, gripping each other's shoulders to keep from falling over. "Well," giggled Mana. "It makes sense for you to be under!"

"Sh-h-h!" hissed Yuugi, waving at her quickly. "He doesn't-"

"This is pointless," said Yami, holding up the cards again. "Thank you for your lacking help."

Another flash of light, and Yuugi fell over on the bed, his support gone. He started to calm down a little, only an occasional chuckle escaping as Yami sat down on the bed, head in his hands.

"Oh, Yami, no…" he said, trying to fight down the rest of his laughter as he sat up. "It's okay, really…"

"I do not submit to anyone," said Yami quietly.

Yuugi's smile faded. Yami was a lot more upset by this than he'd thought. He curled around Yami's back, arms wrapping around his shoulders. "You know, the other me, I always think you're so strong, putting up with all this. Going from being a pharaoh to a piece of jewelry… and then just an ordinary guy, someone that doesn't have any power or even education, so you can't become a politician or business tycoon like Kaiba-kun, even if you tried. I would never be able to handle that."

Yami didn't answer, his hand merely rising to hold Yuugi's wrist near his heart.

"I don't think you really know how amazing you are, Yami. Or how thankful I am that I get to have you. Whether that's as a friend or a lover. Your power makes me feel stronger. You never fall to anything, and it makes me think that I could do the same."

Everything was quiet for a few moments, and Yami sighed, leaning back into Yuugi's shoulder. "I've been a bit stupid today, haven't I?"

"Little bit."

"I would never do that to Kaiba, or let him do it to me."

"M'glad," murmured Yuugi, pressing his lips to Yami's neck.

"I… you belong to me."

Yuugi smiled, recognising that statement for what it was. "I love you too."

They didn't speak for a moment, satisfied to just lean against each other in the darkened room, until Yami suddenly looked up, pulling away a little. "Aibou, I just realised. I didn't ask you."

"Hm?"

"Why would the magazine think I would be the uke?"

Yuugi blinked at him, then smiled. "Why?"

"Yes, why do you think?"

"Well, actually… I mean… let's face it…" He smiled, slowly climbing off the bed. "Kaiba's big mean and nasty, and despite all your mean and really nasty looks… you're just a big softie."

Yami's eyes narrowed. "What."

"You're really nice, and kind and… a big softie!"

"Oh, that's it," said Yami, getting to his feet. "You die now."

Yuugi squeaked, already running for the door. It took a few tries, a few bruised bones, and several profanities from Yuugi's mother, but he eventually tackled Yuugi over the back of the couch, and pinned him down, kneeling over him as they both panted, grinning at each other.

"Softie," teased Yuugi.

"Girl," replied Yami.

"Uke."

"Whore."

Yuugi blinked at that one. "Who've we been going around town talking about sleeping with another guy?"

"My whore," he added, smirking as he bent down to capture Yuugi's lips. Yuugi giggled into his mouth, and he happily deepened the kiss before Yuugi could push him away.

"So does this mean I don't get a leggy blonde?"

"That ice just cracked," he informed him, before kissing him back into the couch. The subject wasn't brought up again.

* * *

* * *

__

See? Bad humour. Baaaad humour.


End file.
